It may be this......

Signs and Symptoms
PMS has been characterized by more than 150 symptoms, ranging from mood swings to weight gain to acne. The symptoms vary from woman to woman and cycle to cycle. For some women, the symptoms may be mild or moderate, and for others, they may be so severe as to be incapacitating. Common symptoms include the following:

Mood-related ("affective") symptoms: depression, sadness, anxiety, anger, irritability, frequent and severe mood swings
Mental process ("cognitive") symptoms: decreased concentration, indecision
Pain: headache (e.g., menstrual migraine), breast tenderness, joint and muscle pain
Nervous system symptoms: insomnia (sleeplessness), hypersomnia (sleeping for abnormally long periods of time), anorexia, food cravings, fatigue, lethargy, agitation, a change in sex drive, clumsiness, dizziness or vertigo, paresthesia (prickling or tingling sensation)
Gastrointestinal symptoms: nausea, diarrhea, palpitations (rapid fluttering of the heart), sweating
Fluid and electrolyte symptoms: bloating, weight gain, oliguria (reduced urination)
Skin symptoms: acne, oily skin, greasy or dry hair

Can it be?

SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION
Not everyone who is depressed or manic experiences every symptom. Some people experience a few symptoms, some many. Severity of symptoms varies with individuals and also varies over time.

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

My tender warrior

I don't want a wedding anymore

I just want to be married to this tender warrior

My new family

My new family visited our love nest yesterday for the first time since renovation started. We had dinner together. Although I have gripes about them that caused me to reconsider marrying him, I have come to appreciate them.

We may own what they do not own
But they have what we do not have

Heading for a crash

The baggage is getting too heavy for me
I will have to choose which battles I want to fight

Very big fight

He stood up for me and for us
He stands by me
He is going to be my husband

What is my ambition?

The Little Oxford Dictionary defines ambition as 'desire for distinction; desire for specific attainment; object of this'.

A language teacher's pet essay question. I wanted to be a teacher to impart knowledge. On some days, I would like to be a doctor to treat the sick. As an innocent and naive primary school kid, those were my essay answers.

At one stage, I wanted to hear from my Master, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant' when I see him at the end of my life journey.

And then the ambition was to get a basic and then second degree. To be able to have a chance to study and live overseas. To snag a job I love. To have a dream wedding and have loved ones celebrate with me.

S, you asked what my ambition was. I was proud to admit that my mind was blank - mid point in life. I have stopped looking far ahead. One reason, I do not know what tomorrow brings. Secondly, I do not want to feel like a failure when my ambition is not fulfilled. So I just gave an answer for the sake of giving. But don't get me wrong, that was an frank attempt, but not the total picture. It might be a combination of my Christian upbringing and personality.

I want to touch people's lives. It was very general. To be specific, people meant the people around me - family, church, work, good friends and sometimes strangers I meet. Touch people's lives - in little ways, just simply by being there for them, to help, to listen, to share and feel with and for them life's joys and sorrows.

I have lived this number of years. I may have the same number of years left. I do not dare or want to make any ambitions. For now, I am just living day by day. I want to sustain the love relationship with my husband-to-be for this lifetime. Wedding is only the beginning. I will give my best shot at work. I want to be there for loved ones and friends when they feel down or need someone to listen to. I want to look beyond my own circumstances.

Life is transcient. Perhaps what I leave behind after I pass away will be our children.

Maybe my ambition for now is to build a home that will prepare my children for another cycle of life journey.

Snowballs

I'm not acting weird because of any imbalance of chemical neurotransmitters or hormones.

Perhaps the past weeks' events have snowballed to such a state that I am using different outlets to vent or people to blame.

In the deep recesses of my heart, I am disappointed that she was willing to let me go at the expense of a couple hundred dollars. Even though, I announce that I am moving in earlier, I am not happy. There is an unwillingness to move in first. But since she is so cool about it, then let's go ahead........

We spent the last few weekends at the new place. I am tired, no longer looking forward. I feel like a slave to the nest.

Wedding preps have taken a step back and there are only 79 days to go. There are so many boxes to check- draw up final guest list for both church and banquet, get their addresses, church ceremony, asking people to help out, planning actual day schedule, buying flower girls' and page boy's outfit, pushing his family for guest list, make transport arrangement for friends and relatives.....the list goes on and on.....He works late and is too tired to discuss at the end of the day.

At work, one workhorse and 2 workhorse-wannabes churn out very timely results to find that it was all in vain due to miscommunication. What made it worse was the snide remarks some people gave and brushing off of the issue without realising the great efforts we took to produce these data. They enjoy long lunch breaks while we can only gobble down our food, not to mention messy hair at the end of the day as a result of strong winds blowing in the room.

Yes, Hot Wheels makes legitimate, reasonable requests but please do not get any hotter than this. This exhaust pipe may not be able to take it.

And then she had to make some absurd, ludicrous decisions which in her very own opinion were perfect arrangements. I had already said N-O on many times and she had to open the can of bloody worms again. She wants things to be done her way (deemed the bestest means) and when things are done her way, it simply means the easiest and most convenient (and very selfish) way out. I say NO WAY!

When I was younger, I tried hard to please you with good results, being obedient, doing my assessment books, scoring in spellings, being back at home on time, wearing the 'right' clothes for occasions etc etc...But all these attemptes were never enough, you always found fault in what I did. You asked me to set a good example to my younger brother......Why did you think I chose to go away for 2 years? Because I wanted something different. I did not want to fit into your mould. I wanted to get away from your dominion.

I remember vividly there were times when you asked me to leave the home after a bitter argument. At that time, I swore that if I was able, I would leave the home without turning back. Ah ma would come with me.

Now it's time soon for me to leave the home and set up my new home, I am reluctant and sad. Even though we will not be staying far from each other, I 'mourn' over the emotional aspect of leaving.

It is our wedding. Please give us some time and space. Please don't try to take things into your own hands and expect us to listen or give in to your demands as if we are still young kids.

For these remaining weeks, leave me sweet memories. I do not want to leave the home without turning back.

Yes, all these issues have been weighing on my mind that sometimes it feels good to be in a daze and think about nothing.

Have not chatted much with him for the past 2 days. His work seems to have taken precedence. Does he still care?

How much more should I give?

TELL ME HOW MUCH MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME??

Overwhelming and mixed emotions

Love Remains
We are born one fine day
Children of God on our way
Mama smiles daddy cries
Miracle before their eyes
They protect us til' we're of age
Through it all love remains

Boy moves on, takes a bride
She stands faithful by his side
Tears and sweat they build a home
Raise a family of their own
They share joy they share pain
Through it all love remains

Kingdoms come and go they don't last
Before you know the future is the past
In spite of what's been lost
Or what's been gained
We are living proof that love remains

I don't know baby what I'd do
On this earth without you
We all live we all die
But the end is not goodbye
The sun comes up, and seasons change
But through it all, love remains

An eternal burning flame, hope lives on, and love remains.

Teary-eyed.....

For all I've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch you set me free

Let the world stop turnin'
Let the sun stop burnin'
Let them tell me
Love's not worth goin' through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered
Had come true
In this life
I was loved by you

For every mountain I have climbed
Every raging river crossed
You were the treasure
That I longed to find
Without your love
I would be lost

Let the world stop turnin'
Let the sun stop burnin'
Let them tell me
Love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered
Had come true
In this life
I was loved by you
In this life
I was loved by you

Our nest awaits

After going round in circles, the tribal council had decided.
I am going to move into the guest room first before the big day.
Apprehensive about moving into my new home.
After all I have been living with my parents for the past 29 years
Somehow reluctant as I will not get to see much of dad, mum, ah ma and bro.
Although it's just a fifteen minutes' walk.
And worst of all, I may have to do my own laundry and housework at the new place

Give them all

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?
Are you tired of spinning round and round?
Wrap up all those shattered dreams of your life

I feel for and with you......

I don't know how to use words to comfort the both of you
But I guess there were tears in the night
And then a brave front in the morning
Just want you to know
I sense your pain and disappointments
Although just a tiny weeny bit
I am quietly swinging beside you

Of sniggering and sneaky persons

I see sniggering and sneaky persons almost every day
Cannot tell when they are being sincere or hypocritical
Exchanging scraps of scribbles
Stifled laughter
Nauseating, isn't it?

A new life and a spent being

Came back from a visit to KK Hospital. Carried a 24-hour-old newborn. Slept so soundly and has so much hair for a one-day-old baby. I saw Dayrius' small hand and fingers. His parents marvelled at how this little bundle could stay in the mother's womb and arrive in this world. Yes, indeed he had been intricately created.

The thought is still recurring in my mind. I feel guilt. I feel useless. Am I so self-absorbed? Am I self-centred? Why I am so bothered about what people think? I don't like to meet others' expectations of me. Although they don't voice it out, I can feel it. Am I being ultra-sensitive? I don't know.

Jenny Yoong sms-ed me today to ask if I needed help for the wedding. SMS-es were exchanged and I could sense her genuine concern in asking how I am faring with all the preps. I appreciated that very much. I thought no one else really cared.

I am afraid this is so much I can hold for now.

I'll bring You more than a song

For a song in itself

Is not what You have required

You search much deeper within

Through the way things appear

You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship

When it's all about You

It's all about You J

I'm sorry L for the things I've made it

When it's all about You

It's all about You J

Recurring thought

Haggai 1

A Call to Build the House of the LORD
1 In the second year of King Darius, on the first day of the sixth month, the word of the LORD came through the prophet Haggai to Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and to Joshua [a] son of Jehozadak, the high priest:
2 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "These people say, 'The time has not yet come for the LORD's house to be built.' "
3 Then the word of the LORD came through the prophet Haggai: 4 "Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?"
5 Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. 6 You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."
7 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. 8 Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the LORD. 9 "You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?" declares the LORD Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house. 10 Therefore, because of you the heavens have withheld their dew and the earth its crops. 11 I called for a drought on the fields and the mountains, on the grain, the new wine, the oil and whatever the ground produces, on men and cattle, and on the labor of your hands."
12 Then Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, Joshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and the whole remnant of the people obeyed the voice of the LORD their God and the message of the prophet Haggai, because the LORD their God had sent him. And the people feared the LORD.
13 Then Haggai, the LORD's messenger, gave this message of the LORD to the people: "I am with you," declares the LORD. 14 So the LORD stirred up the spirit of Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and the spirit of Joshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and the spirit of the whole remnant of the people. They came and began to work on the house of the LORD Almighty, their God, 15 on the twenty-fourth day of the sixth month in the second year of King Darius.

A little tiff

I was supposed to meet my JC gang last night for a post bday gathering. From 7 couples, the number dwindled to 2 and half couples at 5pm yesterday. I decided to ask the 2 couples to postpone the gathering. I was glad, actually. Time to slow down and not rush all the way to the east and then back home. Also allowed me to be at home with mum when the contractor came by.

*I rest my case*

Bak Chang and 'fillings'

This morning, I was awakened (erm, does this word exist?) by the aroma of cooking bak chang. Smelled good.......BUT still, I had difficulty getting out of bed. *bleah*

Yeah! Last night, Mum told me she would ask the contractor to tear down the wardrobe after I have officially moved out. She had plans to repaint the home, but wanted to remove the study table and wardrobe in my room at the same time. You see, Bro will be taking over my room. I told her that if they remove everything, then I will have to move with my stuff to the new home because it will be difficult to leave my stuff here and there. When I told her that if they remove everything, I will have to move too. She kept quiet. Usually she has a lot to say/comment, but this time she kept quiet.

Later, she came to me and said she would try to negotiate with the contractor to remove the study table and paint the home. After my wedding, then she would have the wardrobe removed and request the contractor to repaint my (ex-) room. I really appreciated that! I also want to stay at my parents' place up to my wedding - makes that day so much more significant.

Secretly, I think Mum also wants me to stay as long as I can at home. As much as I wanted to gain independence when I started work or when I thought I was mature at 18, I realised one cannot get away with being someone's child. At my age, financially independent and getting married (the leaving and cleaving), my parents are still so concerned about me. When I was younger, they slogged to give me the best education and conducive environment so that when I grew up, 'I did not have to be a road sweeper or rubbish collector'. But up till now at where I am, they are still giving me their best. A hood, hob and oven, TV console, sofa and dining set.

In the meantime, I shall enjoy these 3 months and 1 day of having Mum and Ah Ma to wash and fold my clothes and clean up my room. Nah, I was kidding....What I meant was to cherish these 3 months of living under the same roof as them because things will never be the same again.

Holding Hands

One day, far away, you gently won my heart
And one night, by candlelight, we made a vow to never part
Then then it seemed just like a dream
When wide-eyed, side by side
We face the future holding hands

Years fly, they hurry by, the simple times are gone
Bills due, a kid or two, a week can feel eight days long
By fading lights, let's kiss goodnight
And then we trace God's daily grace
Thankful we're still holding hands

There's a hope that won't let go
There's a truth we know
God is holding us
In His arms

Thoughts stray far away to that lies ahead
In frail days when strength fades
Will we still mean what we said?
Our love's secure, so rest assured
Come what may 'til that day
We'll walk forever holding hands

By God's grace 'til that day
We'll walk forever holding hands

Exhaust pipe

Why is a car's exhaust pipe called an exhaust pipe?

I can feel lethargy setting in. I thought it was the mind that willed the body? Mentally, I feel excitement and anticipation as the big day approaches and the new home metamorphes, but physically I am exhausted. 3 days of frantic rush to get home essentials for this coming Saturday's installation. Evenings spent meeting sales people, catching up with friends, etc....I only went back home to rest my head and body for another new day. I enjoy doing all these. When I plan my week ahead, I am excited that ZM and I are meeting these sales people as part of preparing for our new life ahead. Catching up with friends and girlfriends, another aspect of my life that I do not want to neglect too. I am happy that I have activities like these to add colour to my otherwise mundane life. I am not complaining, but my body seems to be telling me to slow down.

Swiped and swiped

Does this match the colour theme, does this exceed our budget, can we fit this holder into the space, can, cannot, cannot, can, you decide, I am ok.....

Bought bathroom and kitchen accessories, lightings and ahhem, our dining set, sofa set and tv console (courtesy of my mum).

Mum went around with us buying the home essentials. This was her way of showing love. I am afraid when we thank our parents at the wedding ceremony, I will not be able to control my emotions when I think about times like these. She would try to 'kick' arm chairs to make sure that they were not too light, much to the amusement of ZM.

ZM had been showing his impish side. I told him that if my son were like him, I would definitely spank the son. Secretly, i enjoy this facade of Antelope. He also made mum and ah ma laugh with his atrocious teochew.

I am looking forward to this Saturday when the lights and accessories will be installed. Almost there, almost there.......

For now, it's time to recharge my batt.

29 years old

ZM gave me a Guess watch - a dress watch that i had been eyeing for some time. The Ellesse watch has served me for a good ten over years. I wore it to all occasions - work, play, wedding dinners, clubbing, etc....Ellesse watch was given to me by Mum and Ah Ma on my 18th birthday. Guess watch given to me by my husband-to-be on my 29th birthday, does that signify anything?

ZM was sneaky and I could tell it! The same kinda expression before he popped the Question. The same snoop-snoop when he hid the Christmas pressie.....my ZM, he can never tell a lie without batting an eyelid.

Carpe diem!

My last day as a 28-year-old

I always get reflective at the turn of a new birth year, especially so this year since it's my last year as a single!

How have I lived my life this year?
How can it be improved?
Will next year be different?

Questions like these will keep running through my mind like waves hitting the beach until 12 midnight, 4 Jun 2005 (well, maybe....)

99 days more to go....

As you can tell, I am making up for lost time.

Yes, the wedding day is getting nearer and there seems to be endless tasks....

We had a youth mentors' meeting last night. I felt like I unloaded some baggages at YGG's place.

I've been struggling between wedding and new home preps AND church ministries. God, can I settle my wedding and home first before I look at your church?

I draw a simple analogy: If people and I are drowning in the deep sea, do I try to get myself safe and dry first before trying to help someone or should I huddle with the fellow 'drowners', encourage one another in the process and look for safe, dry land together?

I know for sure situation will improve come 10th September 2005 when two will become one and 3 cords are stronger than 1 and not easily broken.....

Blog restart

Read the blogs of people seated left, opposite and diagonal of me. I can't help but feel a sense of envy (or jealousy) that they are able to translate what happen in their minds and hearts and lives into sentences without the need of saying anything.

A silent empathy or a quiet understanding I feel for them, with them. No words needed.

Hence, here I am again.......

Come, journey with me.....