Inner struggles

I feel that you are living the last couple of weeks in a daze.

You lost your mobile in a cab. I tried to be understanding, knowing that Papa had just passed away even though that meant a few hundreds to replace the phone.

You went with your bro to settle the funeral expenses. Why did I suggest that both of you go together? 2 heads are better than 1 to spot any discrepancies in the calculations. After you left the place, you received a call later that one bill was missed out. Where were the both of you??

I warned you 3 times in the cab to direct the driver at the next right turn. Eunice was asleep in my arms then. Zoom!! We missed the turn....didn't you hear me? What were you doing? Looking at pictures on the digicam.......

You willingly accepted a pile of developed photos with Eunice's head being cut off. Reason given to you: 'it's like that'. The soft copies were fine. If they were cut off, why would I still send these pictures for printing?

Simple tasks like packing Eunice's bag. Before we step out of the home with her, there are 1001 barang barangs to pack into her bag. I was busy packing against the clock, trying to get out of the home asap while she was still alert and chirpy from her nap. I expected you to help. But what did I see? You were relaxing on the mat, looking and smiling at her on the pretext of watching her lest she fell. It's ok to leave her by herself for a while and it's fine if she started to fret for our company. Our priority was to pack and head out asap. What were you thinking??

You had been slow to think and react and my patience is running thin. I feel like I have to watch out for you, making sure that you do not make any mistakes. Think and plan ahead for you and ourselves in daily decisions and short-term goals.

I had to suggest that it's time we bought insurance for Eunice. Prompt you to take your driver's licence before Jun 2008. Calculate how much we can afford to repay reno loan in one lump sum. Plan for Eunice's childcare arrangement after she turns 18 months. Initiate discussion about her first birthday party. And lots more......

I am tired of wearing the pants at home. It's been a long time since I was led by your hand, felt protected and secure. You are no longer sensitive to my needs. Little bee comes first.

Joyless. Weary. Frustrated.

Tribute to Papa

Just last Saturday morning, we visited GM. He turned his head to take a last look at his granddaughter. He must have used a lot of effort to make that turn.

Today is Friday. Usually ZM and I will discuss what to do for the weekend. Will visiting GM be on our agenda? However it will never be the same again.

He left us quietly in the morning of 4 Dec 2007.

After 3 days of funeral and visitors, the buzz is slowing down and mourning and grieving actually begin. I actually start to grapple with the loss of Papa. I wonder how Mama and the others are faring. They must feel worse than me for they have more and richer memories of Papa.

On the surface, everyone in the family seems ok. I was even joking with ZM that his family members use Johnson&Johnson baby shampoo because there's 'no more tears'.

It was really sad to think back I could be having a meal with Papa or carrying Eunice to bounce beside him and the next moment I knew, I was picking a part of his femur with a pair of chopsticks.

The family was not in the culture of celebrating birthdays. But we celebrated his birthday this year over a simple lunch. He was already quite ill then. That was his first and last birthday celebration with the family.

I started to look for pictures with him and found in my PC.....

爸 爸 ， 恩 琦 长 大 董 事 后 我 会 跟 她 说 她 的 爷 爷 是 多 么 得 疼 她 。

你 会 在 我 们 的 怀 念 中 。。。。。

My deepest gratitude and appreciation to friends who came by to offer support with their presence and contribution - Linda and Eugene, Lili and Chew Hong, Genliang and Li Peng, Bernice, LK and WWF.

YC and YT, thank you for your contribution even though you couldn't be here in person.

I am especially grateful to those who still came even though they are incubating a bun in the oven.

Moving nearer to GM

2 Dec Monday was the first day I was supposed to work at BioP and it's nearer to GM where my in-laws live. It felt like the first day in school. A lot of uncertainties. What time do I have to wake up so that I can get there on time? Where am I sitting in the new place? Where can we go to for lunch? Will I be able to pick up Eunice on time? Questions, questions, questions.......