SMS-ing

I received an early SMS in the office this morning.

7.50am: Today Ismail is early, still managed to catch you turning left into buona vista.
7.50am: Meaning?
7.53am: If he is not late, we are just on time lor.
7.55am: Chey he has been late nowadays. Actually we’re early due to sch hols.
8.02am: Think yday got news that next year child care subsidy got increase, but dunno if only for low income families.
8.09am: For low income families.
8.10am: Have you been reading my blog? It’s strange that you’re sms-ing me today. And so frequent.
8.12am: Read on Friday night already when burning cds. Frequent meh? You don’t like?
8.12am: I like, but it’s just strange.

The exchange stopped here (at the publication time of this entry).

I appreciate that he made an effort to keep in touch after reading my post. It just feels weird, maybe because it’s a reaction, not a spontaneous action.

It’s only Monday morning......

Sappy Me

I was driving into the building carpark this morning when I overheard on the radio a husband dedicating a song to his wife for their 2nd wedding anniversary. This old love evergreen kept me listening to the end.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you

If I had to live without you near me

The days would all be empty

The nights would seem so long

With you I see forever oh, so clearly

I might have been in love before

But it never felt this strong

Our dreams are young and we both know

They'll take us where we want to go

Hold me now, touch me now

I don't want to live without you.

Chorus 1

Nothing's gonna change my love for you

You oughta know by now how much I love you

One thing you can be sure of

I'll never ask for more than your love.

Chorus 2

Nothing's gonna change my love for you

You ought to know by now how much I love you

The world may change my whole life through

But nothing's gonna change my love for you

If the road ahead is not so easy

Our love will lead the way for us like a guiding star

I'll be there for you if you should neeed me

You don't have to change a thing

I love you just the way you are.

So come with me and share this view

I'll help you see forever too

Hold me now, touch me now

I don't want to live without you.

Cheesy song, some may say.

If you're listening to this song when you're just starting a new chapter in your lives together, romantic and inspiring I would say. Love will lead the way.......*hurhur*

Fast forward a couple of years down the road, saddled with more and multiple roles, love....'what's love? Can eat or not?' The cynic in me asks.

If husbands or longtime bf/fiances could still romance us like they did during the infant stages of the love relationship, we'll willingly do anything for you sans the naggings and complaints.

So don't blame me for ignoring you when you come home late from work. I didn't hear from you the whole day.

Back to work on Monday

Today's the start of a new work week. Again.

We had an activity-filled weekend. BBQ at Pasir Ris Park on Saturday and birthday picnic at Botanic Gardens on Sunday. Weekends are never boring with Eunice.

Come Mondays, it's back to the monotony of work, pick kid, settle kid and hit the sack. Oh, and the perpetual question of 'what time will he finish work?'.

I'm taking half-day leave this afternoon. Power supply would be cut off this afternoon at Eunice's centre. I'm bringing her home for her nap. When I told ZM about it and asked if he could take leave to fetch her, his reply was 'I can't take leave. You have so many days of annual leave. You can take.'

HELLO.....I'm employed just like you. I may have 10 days of annual leave for this year, but that doesn't mean that I can 'suka suka' apply leave. Somemore I am attending seminars this Tuesday and Thursday, meaning I won't be able to do much labwork this week. When the teachers informed me that the power supply would be cut off, my first thought was, 'Come on, it's only 2 hours, I'm sure it's no problem. Furthermore I can't be applying for leave every other week. It leaves a bad impression on my timesheet.'

My heart changed and softened as I patted and watch Eunice fall asleep. She's more important than my work. Plus, I will get to spend more time with her. If I don't make sure she's comfortable, who will?

He told me this morning he would be able to knock off at 6.30pm this evening. I'm not even taking his word for it. I've given up any hope on him knocking off on the dot at 5.30pm on all days.

Last week, I sms-ed to him I feel like we're more like team members, rather than a married couple. Working together to get the chores done, rest for the night and the next workday repeats itself again.

I've been wondering if I've studied, worked and given much for a life like this. Is my life goal working for and towards weekends spent with family as long as I have a steady income to pay for the home and car, enough activities to fill a weekend, etc?

At the bottom of all these, I feel emotional emptiness and discontentment. It's sad if Eunice is the only cord that binds us together.

Arrival of our second baby

After taking public transport and cabs for the past thirty over years, we finally own a car. There're so many new things to learn. Not as easy as zipping from Point A to Point B. Erm, it may be actually easier going about in cabs.....

I was a kan cheong spider. Forgot to press this and that, adjust this and that before driving off. I'm learning and remembering better with each ride.

Random pics

We went to Bishan Park after breakfast on a Saturday morning. It's a very rare occasion that we did things like this. I wish we can do it more often, for eg bringing Eunice to the zoo, nature parks, reservoirs, fish farms, veg farms, etc....

I think kids learn faster when they actually see the objects for themselves.

Back to Bishan Park, we rented a tandem bike with child seat. Barely 10 minutes into the ride, Eunice was struggling to get out of the seat. Even though the ride was less than 10 minutes, we had gone off some distance. I had to carry Eunice and walked while ZM cycled back. 10kg load gave me quite a good workout.

In the evening, we went to Terminal 3 to send off one of ZM's very good friends. The viewing gallery was dumb. Couldn't see any planes at all at 8pm. All we saw were reflections of ourselves. Geez.....

4 Jun

When I was young, birthdays were the opportunities to get wish items and somehow I seemed to get an 'airy' feeling on the day.
This year, the day began like any other day. Meetings at work.....work and work. The day passed by quietly with occasional 'ti-ti' of sms-es conveying birthday wishes from friends and Mum.

ZM ordered the NYDC Goldmine cheesecake.

Eunice was mesmerized by the flame.

I had to restrain her and quickly blew the candle.

Trying to listen to what Eunice was singing.

Yummmm.....getting a taste of Mummy's birthday cake.

The following Sunday 8 Jun, we met up with a few good friends to celebrate my birthday. Thanks for the cake and pressies! Our girls had fun playing catch - laughing and shrieking.

Clockwise from Ju, Eunice, Linda, Cadence, Eugene, Zhiming, Genliang and Peng. Can't tell from the pic that Linda was actually harbouring a little boy right? I was very surprised to receive her sms on 13 Jun morning that she had delivered Canden. So glad I managed to catch her with Canden still inside the warm snuggly space.

GL and Peng had been married for one year. GL is ZM's secondary schoolmate while Peng is Linda's best friend from poly and Godma to Cadence. A few years back, Linda asked me if I knew of any single Christian guys around. The first person I thought of was GL. I came to know GL when I first went to Melbourne. ZM requested him to show me around the campus and place. So, Linda and I set up a blind date about 4-5 years ago. The rest is history.

Once again, Eunice wouldn't wait to get her hands on the cake.

A family picture.

2 weddings on 31 May 2008

Two of our church friends decided to get married on the same day......to different partners. So we could only attend one church ceremony and the other wedding banquet.

We had to take turns to eat and entertain Eunice. Actually, the purpose of blogging this entry is to show that ZM still looks good in suit. *swoons* He looked even better with a toddler in his arms. *LOL*

I was a little sleepy and blush-y with red wine.


Eunice with her 'tiger roar'.

28 May 2008, Wednesday

ZM finally came back on 28 May. All of them lost weight. I couldn't spot him as he was walking towards baggage claim area. I had to take a second look to confirm that tall thin man was my husband.

(Only managed to upload and post pics now while the girl is napping.)

Turning anorexic....


His smelly bed in camp. It was so cold he had to wear a beanie.


Entrance to the camp


R&R included a day trip to Safari National Park. It was so boring, the guys couldn't wait to skip this and fly home asap.
.

Big dilemma

It had been an eventful week.

For the past month, I talked about leaving the company. Sent in resumes and attended one interview. I didn't want to place too much hope on snagging the job as the CEO frankly told me I did not have the breadth of technical expertise he was looking for. I tried to convince him that technical knowledge could be gained through time but one's character couldn't.

I wanted to leave the company for the primary reason that my position as an executive staff has been undermined. I am not even an 2nd class citizen, and the Japs are 1st-class. I had given the company 6 years of my life. But when a younger Jap chap was seconded from the parent company, he tried to reform the current structure and introduced new work and systems, and even becomes part the Management. Oh I do not forget to mention, he was a scholar from a branded university with a Masters degree. I felt indignant and redundant.

I was left out. The Management comprised of all the Japs and 2 local exec staff. I am an exec staff too, but why am I not a mentor, instead I am being mentored. And I wasn't asked to sit in their weekly Mgt meetings. Not that I yearn for all these, but it boiled down to the fact how small I am in the eyes of the bosses. I was already feeling stagnant and stifled in this company. Furthermore, a recent staff retrenchment left the rest of us wondering if it'll be our turn next even after slogging hard for the company. But this undermining of my position drove the nail into the coffin.

YT and I planned to quit at about the same time.

The new company offered me the position of a Lab Manager. I was so happy and I couldn't wait to throw THE letter into the faces of the Japs. I did ask myself if I was leaving because of a little setback and out of spite. The new job would be a good career advancement and maybe I need a change of environment after 6 donkey years.

Before I asked my boss to the room, he asked me in. They have decided to grant my earlier request to be transferred to another team. He began describing the work nature to me. After he finished talking, I dropped the bomb......

Both of the bosses spoke to me. They offered to sit me in the meetings, appraise staff etc. But that's not the point, I told them. Damage had already been done. They clarified the situation about the retrenchment. Perhaps the decision had been taken out of context. Or rather, a lot of their actions and decisions had been taken out of context and misinterpreted negatively.

I told them I will take the weekend to think it over and give them my answer on Monday.

The good thing about the job offer is we had only verbally agreed and had not signed on the line as the managing director was outstationed. The decision making process was difficult and painful.

Staying......
1. Get to learn more things in the new team to add on more value to my resume.
2. The management has admitted it was a lack of communication and have tried to retain me.
3. New company has only 9 staff. It's a small set-up and who knows if it'll sustain over the next few years, ending up like the first co I worked for after I came back from Melbourne.
4. Can transfer Eunice to childcare centre near me. We don't have to trouble my mum to pick Eunice from the centre everyday for next few months. It'll be tiring for her. And I believe having a kid is our decision and we should bear the responsibilty of taking care of the kid ourselves and not think that we can always fall back on our parents' help. If I accept the new job, I won't be able to pick up Eunice. It's not wise to transfer her to childcare centre at new workplace at the same time I start work. It'll be very stressful for me.
5. The decision to get the car. Things will go ahead as planned.
6. I have to start all over again in a new company.

Leaving......
1. I have my pride and integrity. Hopefully, my leaving will teach the Japs a good lesson. YT will leave too. They will lose 2 good employees.
2. Koby will still be the team leader. No matter what I do, I am still a 2nd class citizen.
3. For the past five years, the current company has not achieved much. Other companies of similar size and age have already had some of their products entering clinical trial phases. It's all been say say and no output.
3. Job opportunity doesn't knock twice.
4. I have more freedom and space to explore my potential and abilities in the new capacity.
5. A new change of environment may be good for me after 6 years.

I'll give them my answer tomorrow.

Ting, I hope you can see where I'm coming from. In my interactions with you, I have been my true and honest self. There had been some distortions in the truth of the matter, but I bear in mind too that I have to take whatever had been said from both sides with a pinch of salt. Perhaps one with a bigger pinch. I have already lost 2 friendships in the company. I don't want to lose yours.

Yippee ai ai, yippee yippee ai

So happy!! ZM will touch down in 7 hours' time.

At the same time, I'm feeling kind of sad that my mum will be going back home after staying over all this while at my place in ZM's absence.

9 May saw me sending ZM to the airport. Ah ma stayed over and since Eunice was fast asleep, I decided to go with ZM to Changi. I was already running a fever then. At the airport, I could feel aches in my bones and joints.

Silly me just couldn't hold back my tears just before ZM checked into the departure gate. I'm so weak. I couldn't sleep well that night. Not because I missed him already, but my body was very hot and I was trying to pacify Eunice. I didn't want to disturb Ah ma. The night just ticked away.....In the morning, I took my temperature and it measured 39.9 degC!!


3rd SGT Wong with his army kit. He and his mates stuffing rations of cup noodles into their hand carrys.

To cut the long story short, I spent the weekend in bed. Eunice was sticky, as usual. She had to be brought next to me and I patted her to sleep while I was groggy and semi-conscious. Thanks to the high fever and loss of appetite, I lost some weight. Hehe.....

Phone conversations and sms-es were cut to a minimum to prevent chalking up a hefty mobile phone bill.....at our own expense. It's already past the half way mark. About one more week to go and we'll get to see 'Dar dar' soon.

Maybe he misses us more than we miss him. I am already kept very occupied and tired with Eunice. When I miss ZM, I can just give Eunice a kiss and/or hug. Cos his blood flows in her.....wahahahhahaah........how cheesy can I get??

I was on half day leave today to search for new pastures. Not pinning much hopes, I'll just have to continue trying. This current pasture stinks big time and I can't wait to leave.

I went a little earlier to pick Eunice and treated her to Walls drumstick. She was more interested in the cone biscuit than the cream. My hands were full, didn't manage to catch her 'moustache'. We had some quality time - sitting at the concrete steps, enjoying the ice cream. She would turn around and smile at me, seeming to tell me she liked the ice cream and just sitting there with me.

I brought her to the playground. Let her ride on the horsey and she went down the slides by herself! Gosh, for a moment I thought she was going to fall off the slide but she managed to steady herself. I felt bad that she had been confined at home for the longest time ever. The cartoons can no longer hold her attention for long.

It's good to see her in the pink of health and eating well again. It's kind of strange now that she didn't need to take medication. *LOL* You must be going 'choy choy choy'.




Does she look more like ZM or Ju?

Light at the end of the tunnel?

April wasn't a good month for us. For this one month, 3 of us fell sick, coughing like 3 froggies croaking high and low in the middle of the night. Papa Frog, Mama Frog and Little Tadpole. What was worse was E's constant vomiting after a bout of phlegm-y cough.

It seemed like endless washing of bedlinen and her soiled clothes and cleaning up the floor, not to mention sleepless nights. Thank God it's over. E responded well to the course of antibiotics, which the PD finally prescribed on the third visit when the fever refused to go away. I've used up this year's medical allowance for dependents.

ZM and I had been coughing non-stop too. First it was heaty cough, then became cooling cough....we're recovering.

It was scary to see 'BR calling' on my mobile phone. I held back my tears when I heard that E was throwing up and had difficulty napping, yet at that time I couldn't be with her as I was the only team member left. Thank God that colleagues from other teams offered to do my job for the day and freed me to bring E to PD. The poor girl had gone down a size since.

We received one good news though. Our dealer had successfully bidded our COE. We'll only get the car in early Jun. We like the Swift very much, but it offers little boot space for the stroller. So we settled for a reliable make.

Vios 2007. We chose white colour.

Over the recent weekend, my mum was hospitalised for profuse vomiting. I was told not to visit her as E was recovering. Yesterday, after picking E up from the centre, I just felt like bringing her down to visit her 'Mama'. And so we did, against the strict instructions. Upon seeing her, although they kind of berated me for bringing her to the hospital. Dad, Ah Ma, Stan and Crys were there. Everyone was delighted to see her although E stuck to me like a koala to the eucalyptus tree.

But I am not looking forward to the next 3 weeks. ZM will be away for reservist training in SA. This is the first time we are going to be apart from each other for such a long period since I got back from Melbourne in 2001.. He just reminded me this morning that we had been together for 8 years. I didn't even realise that.

We're going to miss you. Last week, on the way home in my colleague's car and listening to a chinese song (something about goodbye or farewell) on 933FM, tears just welled up. I pitied myself. Not knowing how I will get by the 3 weeks juggling daytime work and taking care of the little one and the home after work. But I shall be strong. It won't be easy for me , but we'll get by somehow. 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'. Hopefully you will see a slimmer me when you return home on 28 May.

Take good care of yourself. Remember 'Safety First'. Eat well and enjoy chiong suah-ing with your band of brothers.

Family Portraits

We had fun at the studio yesterday, but you bet how tiring it was. We had to use biscuits to bribe Eunice.

All in all, we managed to capture some beautiful shots to walk us down memory lane.

Check out an overdue post on 20 Jan 2008! I'll let the pictures do the talking.

God's angel

Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born.

One day the child asked God "They tell me you are going to send me to earth tomorrow?" "but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God replied, "Among the many angels, I have chosen one for you. She will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

"But", said the child, "here in Heaven I don't do anything else but sing and smile. That's what I need to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and be happy."

"And", said the child "How am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I don't know the language that men talk?"

"That's easy", God said "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, will teach you how to speak."

The child looked up at God saying, "And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God smiled at the child saying, "Your angel will place your hands together and teach you how to pray."

The child said, "I've heard on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?"

God put his arm around the child, saying, "Your angel will defend you - even if it means risking life!"

The child looked sad saying, "But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God hugged the child "Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way to me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from earth could already be heard.

The child in a hurry, asked softly, "Oh God, if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name!"

God replied, "Your angel's name is of no importance... You will simply call her MUMMY!"


Eunice is my little angel too. As she couldn't sit still in the supermarket trolley seat, we would just place her in the trolley itself. Last night, as we placed items into the trolley, she'll be busy trying to lift up the items or sit, step on them.

At the checkout counter, her daddy went to grab another item. So I was transferring stuff from cart to counter. I asked Eunice to pass the wet wipes to me. My little darling actually understood what I was saying and earnestly used her strength and effort to pass the 3 packets of wet wipes to me even though she was still so small and her stance was wobbly. It was an endearing sight to see her helping mummy at such a young age. Very very very sweet.

I lost my diamond ring!!

We searched high and low for my diamond ring this morning. How can it go missing? Unless a burglar broke in in the middle of the night. Or did that little bun swallow it? Can't be what...it's not so easy to swallow a ring lor...

I always wear my diamond ring and wedding band on the same finger. Wedding band is still intact. Hur hur.......where is my diamond ring??

Haha, maybe it's a sign for someone to put his sentimentality into action. I want an at least 0.5 carat diamond ring!

I'll search for it again when I get home tonight.

I can't be a superwoman

Yesterday was the first time I was almost late in fetching Eunice. 2 presentations to prepare and report due today. I left office at 6.15pm. I called ZM and the reply I got was not encouraging. I surely wouldn't be able to reach AMK by 7pm. Tried calling my mum but she didn't pick up the call. Guess I just have to depend on myself and no else. He didn't even bother to call and check if I made it to fetch his daughter. I managed to hop onto a cab and asked the uncle if I could reach AMK by 7pm. He gave a very reassuring 'Yes'.

Eunice and I did takeaway dinner and a packet for her daddy too. Knowing she likes watermelon, I cut the fruit bought last Friday as her dessert. She had 2 slices and I kept the rest in the fridge for her daddy and me. She enjoyed the watermelon so much. Never mind me having to push her stroller and having to balance watermelon, bag and 3 packets of economical rice on my hands.

He patted her to sleep while I did her laundry. At about 9.30pm, he had his dinner after which he took out a cup of ice cream to enjoy. I asked about the watermelon. Later he said....That triggered a rush of angry emotions. Do I have to buy the watermelon, cut them nicely and then serve you before I can get you to eat some fruits? Before marriage, he ate more fruit. I'm trying to make sure he gets his dose of fruit. Is this what I get for trying to be a good wife?

I was so angry that I stormed to the kitchen and threw all the watermelon away. He didn't even bother to stop me. I went back to folding clothes. After thinking through, I shouldn't vent my anger on the innocent watermelon. I used my hard-earned money to buy and extra efforts to carry the wedge home. I went back to the plastic bag (don't worry it's clean) and picked up the slices. I finished them at the sink - tears flowing as I bit the flesh off. He wasn't even bothered with me.

After bingeing, I felt uncomfortable and tried to throw up. In my attempts to force the watermelon out, I suddenly felt pity for myself. The toilet door was closed. No one knew I cried my eyes out beside the toilet bowl.

Although I frequently make passing remarks, my role as an employee, wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law is unconsciously taking a toll on me. Knocking off later than usual yesterday and the prospect of having to go back to work on the second day of CNY just manifested the additional responsibilities I am undertaking. It's going to get more difficult as workload is going to mount. My work was not completed but I had to drop them to fetch my child. Who else will fetch her if I don't? I don't want Eunice to be last child to leave the centre. I don't want her to feel unloved and abandoned by her parents 'because her daddy and mummy are busy with work'. There is no one else I can depend on. I bring it upon myself to fetch her. But there are emails to reply, schedules to set and plan, presentations to reply, alot more to be done. Who knows? Who truly understands what I am going through? No one.

Yes, you may say you understand and appreciate all that I've been doing for our family so far. What do I get in return? Just your words of appreciation?? I tell you - it's the cheapest form of sentimentality.

To a mother-in-law who was recently widowed, I tried to help her cope with the loss. But who tries to understand me? Who tries to help me??

As I cried in the toilet last night, there were moments I regretted stepping into marriage. Is it common for married couples to go through this stage? I have to try to love people that seem to live in a different world. I have to put up with their idiosyncrasies. I have to share the child that I carried for 9 months with them. Yet, they still seem like aliens to me. Do they bother to come into my world?

I am barely coping with one child. Don't ask when I am planning for a second one.

Eunice is ONE!

A very long overdue post. Finally, found time to upload the pics.

First post in 2008!

I've been slacking in my posts. Who is the culprit?? *Turns and points to EW*

Found some 'me' time last night and today as I took leave. ZM is on reservist this week and he spent last night with his fellow 'chiongsua-sters' in some "secret exercise".

ZM: Do you want to know the secret?
Ju: Will you have to kill me after I know?
ZM: Yes....
Ju: Then I don't want to know *full stop*

Mornings are always in a rush....so I decided to take things slow and send E to the centre at our pace. Tomorrow, we are having a small 1st birthday party for E. Gotta clean up the house....

As we're still mourning, the guest list was kept to just immediate families and close relatives.

Oh oh, our little one started to take her first steps - on her first lunar birthday. Do you like her mushroom hair? Notice how she pushed her Daddy's hands away.

I will sit with her when she plays. Looking back, it's amazing to experience how this little human developed as a part of me, starting from a little pea to foetus to newborn. First smile, first coo, first flip, first sit, pincer grasp, first chuckle, first taste at solids...........Now, she is a little individual with an emerging will and a feisty temper to boot.

Sadly, I was not the one who witnessed her first steps. The centre staff jotted it down on the record sheet. She wrote something like, 'Eunice walked 8 steps today and she was so sweet!' Someone else had the privilege of catching her first steps before me.

I only get to spend 3 hours with her every weekday evening. Imagine she spends 11 hours at the centre. How much of her prime time have I missed out? Alas.....this is not an area I can improve on. What I can do is to drop my work at 5.30pm and be on my way to pick her. I am thankful that my colleague gives me a lift back home nowadays.

Before I had her, I used to work till 6.30 at least. More responsibilities have been passed to me now, but I was reminded that I spend 9 hours at work. I should give the rest of my time to my girl. She deserves that 3 hours of my day.

This little munchkin is growing so fast that I'm so afraid I'll miss out on anything. Every 'love-love', kiss, smile, leg-tug or cry for 'Mama', I'll treasure.

Okie dokie, heading out now to do my hair.

Happy birthday Honey-bunny!!

*Watch out for this Sunday's New Paper if E's pic is featured*

From a newborn to a cheeky little girl......

Tried to catch a nice pic of E with ZM in his smelly uniform...she was still too stoned to pose.