Before I forget...

I was surfing iPhone while accompanying the girl to sleep. She asked me to put down the phone and watch her sleep. So I turned around to face her, held my iPhone along the line of vision and continued surfing.

She insisted that I put down the iPhone and watched her. I said I could do both at same time, to which she replied, "You think you are a 4 eye monster, is it?"

=_=

*******************

Met up with a family visiting from Melbourne and a couple of returnees over the weekend. E had never met them before, so ZM was trying to explain to them the time when I went away to study. Somehow, the girl got to learn about the chapter when her Daddy wanted to break up with his girlfriend. So she questioned, "Why don't you want Mummy?". "Mum, why did you go back to Daddy?"

I brought up the part where I also 'didn't want' Daddy because he didn't believe in and love Jesus yet. (I was trying to share about not being unequally yoked). To my surprise, she was quick-thinking and asked what if she can't find someone who loves Jesus.

Kids nowadays don't accept answers at face value.

Irreplaceable us

Silly girl bawled her way to sleep last night. She couldn't accept the fact that Daddy and Mummy would pass away someday. She wanted things and us to remain as we are now.

She likes new toys, venture new food, new water bottle, new schoolbag. New Mummy? "No...I want my old Mummy...." punctuated by hyperventilated bawls and she hugged me even tighter.

I felt very, very loved then. Both of us mean the world to her and I hope this would not change.

Thoughts from mid-week

1. People here are selfish. Most of them are always doing things for their own interests and benefits. ‘I need to use the fume cupboard, you can carry on doing what you need to do.’ Fine, how do I carry on doing what I need to do when I need to work in the fume cupboard. And Boss asked you to train us on how to process samples. Not even halfway through the training, we were left to our own devices and common sense. And you suka suka just come every now and then to drop 'instructions that you had forgotten'.

2. ESM Goh is right. There is no such as total happiness. Only net happiness.

3. I spent my younger years trying to fit in with the crowd and go with the flow. But now, I don’t bother anymore. I do whatever pleases me.

Feeling down and anti-social

Don't know if it's because I am still in transition into new job, lack of carbo or PMS or all.

Shuttling between dropping/picking Eunice, work and home is starting to take a toll on me. Can't wait to move back into Biopolis. I feel like I have no time to myself. Rush rush rush.

Training at work is picking up. Once the engine started, it's vroom all the way. Doing labwork is okay, but at the end of it, writing reports is not. No longer do I have the luxury to sit down and surf net. I'm composing this post now during lunchtime cos I don't feel like joining the regular lunch gang.

I miss the friendly and cosy environment at the previous workplace. Especially when I bump into ex-bosses/colleagues when I drop/fetch Eunice, I reminisce the 亲切感.

New colleagues
Some have been very helpful so far in guiding me through the training and PR.

Others will, erm, just remain as 'colleagues'. I feel that the latter group speaks down to me just because they have been here longer, so they know more.

忍

My lunch kakis

I didn't mention anything about my good friends during the company farewell speech for fear of losing control of my emotions. Tomorrow is my last day and this post is dedicated to them.

One year ago this time, there would be 7 of us lunching together. We had to wait for a while at the food court in order to get seven seats at one table. It was something like 'ya-ya sisterhood' where we shared rants regarding MILS/hubs/bfs, funny anecdotes or lame jokes. Sometimes we could laugh until we teared. Or in the mornings, we could just walk into the lab and starting ranting off what happened the night before or on the way to work.

Alas, that is no more. From seven, it will be down to one soon....within a year.

I 'stole' the following pictures from their FB pages.

***

Natalie - but to us she is Yanting. Knew her 7-8 years ago when she joined PLR as a fresh poly grad. I was hesistant about opening up too much about my life to a colleague, but after daily interactions with her, I began to come out of my shell and shared more about my personal life so much so that she was one of my 4 jiemeis and she was there for me during the darkest moments at PLR. I must say her life has the most drama amongst us. I will never forget the one night she sms-ed me while I was patting Eunice to bed. After reading the sms, my jaw dropped for a few seconds.......
YT left PLR in Mar 2011. We've been keeping in touch via WhatsApp. Not the same as before when we were colleagues and saw each other Mon-Fri, but we still updated each other about major events. I wish she will find her dream job.

***

Zhen Xuan with little Rui Xin - One of my regrets in PLR was I subjected ZX to difficult and very stressful training when she joined PLR, making her jittery all the time and break down a couple a times at work. I didn't protect her enough too. I still keep the email she sent about volunteering to quit if we didn't find her suitable for the job.
She is also the last one standing in PLR now. I am happy that she had been promoted again (3 times in 5 years!!) to a much senior position and is doing well now. I am privileged too, to be able to witness her wedding, pregnancy and watch her little one blossom.

***

Huishan - I was wary of her in the beginning as Koby (her immediate boss and my 'nemesis' at work) liked her and singled her out among many candidates. Soon, the ice was broken. She would share how she could lift her legs behind her neck and stuff like that, which made us all laugh uncontrollably. She was also frank and would just say what came to her mind. She could also be the level-headed one amongst us who could dish out advice when anyone of us came to a roadblock or crossroad.
HS is leaving PLR in Aug 2011 and I wish her many many thousands POs in her new job. I witnessed your wedding and waiting to see your little bundle in time to come.

***

Shirly - Fresh out of uni when she came on board. Since then, I had seen how she evolved from a 'greenhorn' to a lady who took pride in dressing up. Only two of us in the same team, I appreciate her for covering me whenever I had to take urgent childcare or sick leave. She is smart and organised and could offer different perspectives to issues.
She left PLR in Apr 2011 to do her Masters in Tokyo.

****

Vanessa - the pretty babe. Despite her exterior facade, Van is one who loves God and seeks to do His will. Happy for her that her other half has come to know the Lord and now they are planning a future together.
Van left PLR in Jul 2011.

***

Seong Yeng - Kept to herself most of the time, chose to leave to be a better wife, daughter and daughter-in-law.

***

You girls made me feel like I was your age! All the best to wherever you are and remember this circle is one where you don't have to put on a mask and you can be yourself. Looking forward to a planned short trip together next year and let's try to meet up regularly and during future CNYs!

Oz land of milk and honey?

I notice I have some blog visitors from Melbourne and Sydney. Were you originally from Singapore and migrated there?

I spent 2 years on Melbourne and loved it there. The laidback pace, the space, the weather.

On the way to work this morning, I had a sudden urge to move to Oz. In fact yesterday I googled for Aussie job search engines.

I don't have to pay ridiculous amount for a piece of paper if I want to own a car. It's just absurd lah. My girl could have a childhood and not be caught up with grades or enrichment classes. We should have a better quality of life than now.

Oh and during weekends, we could just drive out to farms. Anyone caught the episode of Pornsak infotainment show (Food Thoughts?) where he visited Aussie orchards and oyster farms? He just slurped the succulent, creamy, sweet and freshest oyster flesh aboard the 'farming' boat.

I digressed a little. Coming back........Who knows? Maybe we could just depend on ZM to bring home the piglet and I could stay at home to look after home, kid and also serve in church. So rosy, right?

Anyone knows the market there right now? Are they tightening the number of PR holders/new citizenship?

I fail to qualify for Obedient Wives' Club

Yesterday marked the start of exodus with SY's last day. Next week, VH will leave. Me? Another month to go although I was the first to tender.

SY's reasons for leaving prompted some stirrings in my heart. Maybe 'staunch' is not the correct description but I will use it anyway.

She is a staunch Christian and her reason for leaving P.L.R. is to have the time to serve her husband and family better. Work had robbed her of energy and time. By the time she reached home from work, she was too pooped to do any housework or clear any mess. All these would be done by the family helper and she loathed it as she thought as a wife and daughter-in-law, she should be doing all these instead of relying on the maid to do it. In biblical times, the woman stayed at home to take care of the home and husband and kids' needs.

I know she is also one who is supportive of home-schooling. From another colleague, I understood that she thought it was cruel to leave (Note: I refrain from using stronger words than 'leave') a crying child at the childcare centre. All the kid wanted was to be just with the parent/s.

Wife stays at home to perform her God-intended role and just live simply? How is that possible in Singapore unless the husband has rich parents; or brings home not only the bacon but rears a pig farm?

I am feeling imbalanced. I don't even have the luxury to think about stopping work as it is really impossible to survive on one income. Take away the car, childcare fee, family holidays. But what about the housing loan? Our parents' allowances? Etc, etc, etc, etc, etc....

I haven't even gone to me serving in church ministries again. That's another struggle for fulltime working mums.

Anyways, I wish SY all the best and may God honour and bless the time you have set apart for yourself, Danny and your family.

No more tears....for the time being

I am happy to report that I didn't break down while delivering my speech at the farewell dinner. *peace sign*

Strategy was I chose to recall funny incidents, for example when I couldn't understand my boss' English when I first met him at the first interview, how glad I was to have bosses who respected us as a person when I overheard how the chief pathologist barked down at his staff.

I avoided venturing to those tear-jerking areas. Haha! But in the process, I inadvertently missed out the girls for which I will save that for another post. And they rightly deserve an entry by itself.

It was a cosy, private room. We ate, we chatted, poked fun, 'kampai'. All these was made possible by HS and ZX who nudged the organising committee to give a more befitting farewell to 3 ladies instead of an office pizza party.

How much is 1kg of passion and drive worth?

'Today marks the start of the 2 months.' Had wanted to post this status on FB but I had better be sensitive and sensible.

Usual monthly meeting this morning to report on progress. I sat listening at the corner and discussion about the topics were ongoing. A lot of hypotheses - what, why and how, where. No one had any concrete answers, all speculations. To a jaded me, we might just be going after something that is non-existent. At the end of the day, I might not have made any significant, blockbuster breakthrough, but management doesn't dismiss my earnest hard work. R&D is like that, it takes years to achieve tangible rewards? So just do it, persevere. Is this what I want, really?

While sitting there, I knew this is not I want - chasing after the end of the rainbow and thinking there is a pot of gold awaiting. It just sealed my decision, even though I have to leave a good boss. Gone are the aspirations, passion and drive of a younger freshie.

Please get well soon!

Boss is still running high fever. I hope he recovers and bounces back soon. Years ago, he had a 'might-be-ok' optimism. I don't see that anymore these days.

These few days, I had flashes of scenes from the past 9 years working here and with my boss. I remember during my second interview, I walked into a room with at least 8 men dressed in dark suits, ready to interrogate me. Just after I went down the building, HR called and I was offered the position amongst many applicants.

He was the one who first taught me ELISA and FACS. He approved my US shopping trips, oops I mean business trips. He didn't utter any tinge of unhappiness when I had to take urgent childcare leave few days in a row or when I was on MC for a week. I apologised due to my absence at work that my presentation was postponed again and again. But he asked me to take care of my health first. He tried to raise my profile to the company shareholders by asking me to present at the board level meeting. He said I could fail 1000 times and there were no deadlines.

I used to take company retreats for granted. I will miss it, even though he rushed off early on Sunday morning to play golf.

No wonder I find it difficult to leave him. 6 years primary school, 4 years secondary school, 2 years JC, 3 years uni, 2 years first job, 2 years postgrad and 4 months second job. 9 years in third job, no wonder I am so sentimental, especially to a kind boss.

Another devastating blow is coming his way. Heard that another colleague was offered in a new opening today.

Letter Day

I know I should be looking forward to the opening of a new door and be thankful for this opportunity to a career switch.

When people serve their notice period, they can't wait for the last day of work. Now, I would linger around my table for a while after knock off time.

Handed over the official letter to boss today. He took in a deep breath and sighed. I must have disappointed him. I wouldn't be where I am today without him.

I'm not sure if he is very affected by the recent terminations or due to fact he was running a fever today, he looked really downcast. My heart really goes out to him and it cuts through like a knife.

The least I could do was to buy a cup of starfruit juice for him. Since I'm leaving soon, no one could say I was curry-favoring. I pasted a note on his table. Was told by my spy that he gave a touched smile when he saw the drink. I hope the drink relieved the heatiness.

I chose the wrong day to hand in the letter la.

Emo Elmo

Today I made -possibly- one of the most painful and difficult decisions in my life. He would be the best boss I would have in my working life.

It's like a breakup. I 'love' Job, but I see no future with him. So it's better that we part now - 长痛不如短痛. But it's not easy saying goodbye after 9 years of relationship.

Last night, my fav radio channel aired a Westlife song and that was my 'breakup song' (with ZM) 11 years ago. Haha, you might think 'boyband??', that's so cheesy. Somehow, the lyrics and rhythm just expressed my emotions. I didn't let ZM go then. I digress....so anyways... listening to the song again was enough to turn on the waterworks as this time, I had to let Job go.

If I Let You Go
Day after day
Time pass away
And I just can´t get you off my mind
Nobody knows ...
I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I can´t find
The courage to show ...
To letting you know ...
I´ve never felt so much love before
And once again I´m thinking about
Taking the easy way out ...

CHORUS:
But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know?
If I let you go ...

Night after night I hear myself sayin´
Why can´t this feeling just fade away?
There´s no one like you ...
You speak to my heart...
It´s such a shame we´re worlds apart ...
I´m too shuy to ask ...
I´m too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I´m thinking about
Taking the easy way out ...

CHORUS
Once again I´m thinking about ....
Taking the easy way out ....

Acute stress disorder

From Wikipedia: Common symptoms that sufferers of acute stress disorder experience are: numbing; detachment; derealization; depersonalization or dissociative amnesia; continued re-experiencing of the event by such ways as thoughts, dreams, and flashbacks; and avoidance of any stimulation that reminds them of the event. During this time, they must have symptoms of anxiety, and significant impairment in at least one essential area of functioning. Symptoms last for a minimum of 2 days, and a maximum of 4 weeks, and occur within 4 weeks of the event. Anxiety, yes. Does not being able to pat my girl to sleep considered as impairment in one essential area of functioning? It's been ~2 months since the disturbing incident. I get better with each new day. Whenever I pass by that spot, I would 'force' myself to look at the shrub where she landed on. Pastor assured me that what I am going through is a normal human reaction to shock (or trauma). Only time can help me recover and it's too early it's something of a supernatural influence. I didn't dare to step into my own bedroom, imagining there might be a female shadow lurking at the corner or stand waiting at the corridor for too long for fear of something flying down. Haha. I am so much better these days, more at peace with my environment. But I won't forget Feb 17 2011, 'chap gor meh'.

Por kei!

Mother hen who can't lay eggs anymore.
Beneath the proud cluckety front
Hid in own hole and crumbled
No one knows
Can only look upwards
In His time
He makes all things beautiful

Black Friday

This is the place I come to to share more personal thoughts. So,if you are reading my blog, either you are someone whom I trust and I know I won't be judged or you stumbled upon my blog through blog links.

As I am sitting at the coffeeshop waiting for my turn to see doc, my heart is heavy, very heavy. No one to talk to. So the only way to keep my mind from wandering is to blog.

Last Thursday, on the 15th day of CNY, I got the worst shock when I walked into the path of a female dead body. At first, it didn't occur to me that it was a human being. Only on closer inspection, then did I realized the severely distorted mess belonged to a lady. I will not describe the gory details here. But that image haunted me - up till now.

I didn't dare to be at home alone, even in the daytime. At night, I need to turn on all lights before I step into a room. Needed company when I showered too. Even my heart beat fast when I was home alone on MC. Bought enough rations to last me for the duration of sick leave, so that I did not have to step out of home to get lunch. While walking past that spot, I would ask ZM to walk beside me to block off the sight. It was that horrifying and haunting.

I have been on sick leave for more than a week - caused by the wretched mumps virus - the next day after that incident. The swelling threatened to grow even after one week's rest and was only doused by cooling drink bought at Chinese medicinal hall. I had delayed dousing myself with Chinese meds for certain reason. I don't deny I was expecting a miracle to happen. But sadly, it didn't as I got the answer early this morning. The good out of it is that I can finally see my left jawline again and return to work next week.

AT the heart of the dumps, I got a call from my bro yesterday that he's infected with mumps too. Of course, fingers point to me. We had a huge argument over the phone. I might be the one, not the one. You may ask why was he so heated up? Mumps only what.

His wife should be due next week. They are electing c-sect.

I was to blame? Shouldn't have attended Ah Ma's birthday dinner last Saturday? But why so 'suay'? The others were not infected but him. The two who exchange kisses and sleep next to me are fine.

What's done cannot be undone. I just pray that mother and child will be protected from this darn virus and that my brother will recover quick enough to accompany his wife through the labour and delivery of their first child.

Through all these, I'm very thankful for my strong pillar of strength who stood by me. He sent the girl to CC and knocked off on the dot to fetch her, settled her and allowed me a good rest. Listened patiently to my rants, gently tried to let me see things from a different perspective.

Grateful to Nat Fang who SMS-Ed me almost every day to find out how I'm doing, offered encouraging words and an alternative female perspective.

And to my little E who never fails to cheer me up, even by just sitting next to me with our arms locked, watching 'A Tale of Two Cities' together.

Sudden thought

Too private to share on FB...

You can't choose your parents, but you still can choose your inlaws.