The images of little Ashley had been flashing in my mind the past week, especially the one where her little hand was so tiny when held onto an adult's finger. The worst part was the fingers were turning black. I read her parents' blog last Friday. On the following Sunday during worship service in church, we sang the song, 'I Was Made To Praise You.' I was reminded of them. Tears flowed and I prayed for Ashley's daddy and mummy. I don't know howo to describe how I feel after reading the blog. It feels like a damp heaviness upon my heart that doesn't go away.

There they were grieving over the death of their 3 children. Here I am, ranting about how lacking the infant care was. It really put me to shame.

My eyes used to be glued onto the TV screen when I fed Eunice. Now I take time to look at her, kiss her, just watch her working hard to suck milk out of the bottle. Eyes sometimes opened, looking at the ceiling fan, sometimes closed when she was dozing off to sleep. When she lies asleep in the cot, I take peeks at her and kiss her little hands and cheeks.

Heartwrenching

http//:ashleyisourangel.blogspot.com

Fuming mad!

How do you make baby cereal for a 5-month-old?

Instructions say mix warm breast or formula milk to achieve desired consistency.

Naturally I would make up about 60mL of formula milk and add it slowly to cereals.

Guess how the new 'educarer' made cereal for my baby. She added one teaspoon of cereal, half a scoop of formula and water.....voila and that was the cereal mix she used to feed my child. No wonder Eunice didn't take to her concoction yesterday. GOSH GOSH GOSH!!! How dumb can that be?!??!

It was encouraging when I picked up Eunice yesterday. She was feeding well on cereals. Yeay!! Mummy is happy to hear that. (Looks like I can let her try sweet potato or carrot this weekend.) Eunice slept well too, didn't give any problems.

'General condition ok. No fever. No rash. Sleeps well. Suck and feed well. Alert and active girl.'

This was the daily report we get. We were quite sick of the repetitions. Don't they have any creativity at all?

When Eunice fell sick or became cranky, I realised I took the repetitive feedback for granted.

Now, I don't mind reading the same thing again every day.

Mummy is cranky too

I don't like Mondays. Who likes Mondays anyway?

It felt depressing, especially so this morning when we left Eunice at the centre.

Firstly, there seems to be a staff shortage and the babies are not getting enough care and attention. The staff are called 'educarer'. They are barely keeping afloat to provide care to the babies, not to mention providing the 'edu' aspect.

Secondly, I am still upset with them. For almost the whole of last week when I picked Eunice up, they kept saying 'she's cranky cranky cranky'. This is not what I want to hear at the end of a work day. Stop telling me my child is cranky. Offer some solutions - for example how are the cries like, high or low pitched. Why do I pay you so much for? And those new 'educarers' can't even speak proper English!!! I can't help but feel being shortchanged. I may just snap at the 'nasty woman' anytime.

With all these in my mind, it was difficult to leave Eunice at the centre this morning. I have tried my best as a mother, but I think Eunice can do with more. Whenever I think of this, I feel absolutely inadequate and guilty. Have I failed as a mother? She is getting second-class care.

She is most chirpy when she wakes up in the morning after 9-10 hours of sleep. It's the best time to interact with her, but alas we have to send her to infant care. When I fetch her back home in the evening, she is already tired and sleepy. That's why I look forward to the weekend mornings when I can play with her. Most of the photos posted on this blog were taken on Saturday mornings. I have missed out on the most important time of the day. Time flies and before I know it, my gal will outgrow her infant stage.

That leads to me precious weekends....

The next few Saturdays will be taken up with birthday parties and wedding dinners, a talk on pneumococcal disease, which leaves only Sundays for us.

And of course, in-laws will want to visit Eunice on Sundays. I admit they are not exactly my fav crowd of people. Eunice is not an object...if she is a thing, I will hide her in the closet and not share her with people I find uncomfortable with. I will only bring her out when people leave.

So....if Saturdays are taken up, I have to reserve Sundays for their visits. Wheeeeee.....there goes our weekends.....

And my Melbourne friends are meeting up this Sunday, 24 June. I have not seen them for the longest time ever. I may have to give the gathering a miss. Hai.......

2 weddings coming up and I don't even have time to buy a decent outfit. Eunice is starting on solids now and we have to set aside time to try cereals on her. Precious weekend....

And meeting up with Linda has been long overdue. Sorry babe, I have so many things going during the weekends. I really would like catch up with you. The clique has fallen apart and I do not want to lose you....

I enjoy the pleasure and satisfaction of having a kid. When I don't enjoy is the frustration when almost everyone wants a piece of my little sweet pie. I am referring to her grandparents. 'When are you bringing baby to our place?', ' if you don't bring her often, she will not recognize her grandparents' home.' blah blah blah.......this is my frustration....i don't have enough time. We are doing all by ourselves during week. Pick her up, do her 1001 pieces of laundry, 101 milk bottles, sponge her, feed her, put her to bed. Whenever I lay on my pillow each night, it is a bliss knowing how 'fulfilling' my day had been.

Even as I rant, I remind myself not to be so caught up on all these frustrations and feelings of inadequacies and miss out on Eunice's growing phase. For us adults, five months before and after make not much of a difference. But for a baby, she picks up a new skill almost every day, even faster than I can realise it. It's amazing, isn't it?

Little one

Little one gives us new surprises every day. When I thought I have grasped well her patterns, she changes. I learn new things about her every day.

Over the weekend, she became interested in what we were eating. She kept staring at our lemon grass drink and sausage prata. Started fussing....only when we brought the food and drink to her, did she stop and look at the food in child-like wonder.

We are struggling with housework. What little time left over the weekend, we caught up on our sleep. My home is in a mess mess mess..........

It's Monday and I am looking forward to the weekend again.......
I can look at her picture for now at least.

My little sweet pie at 4 and half months

Princess on her throne

Eunice's current fav hobby

'I am a great thinker'

The day started with all the usual morning frenzy.

So I thought it was going to be a normal day. Send baby to centre, go to work, pick baby up after work and the day would end as any other day. I don't mind actually. However, I asked if he could knock off slightly early to spend more time with us.

He called me at 5.21pm to tell me he was on his way in the cab to pick me up. It was quite rare that he was so on time. When I hopped onto the cab, I saw a slice of cake from CakeAvenue. I had asked for cheesecake and he went all the way to Upper Bukit Timah to get one for me. How sweet......*blissful*

Went to pick up Eunice. The staff were surprised that Daddy and Mummy were early today. We contemplated bringing her to J8 for a free Swensen's ice cream. *cheappo parents* But Baby came first. She was sleepy, so we decided to stay at home. I was contented to stay at home with just the 3 of us. I fell asleep with Eunice on the mattress. Then ZM woke me up and asked me to go to the kitchen. I knew he had something up on his sleeve.

He had come home first to drop off these minicakes and then fetch me from work.

After finishing up chores and putting Eunice to bed, we turned in too. The side lamp was still on and I asked him to turn it off. He remained quiet. And I repeated again.....to which he repiled, "If I turned it off how will you be able to see this?"He whipped out a jewellery box. Hee....it was a pair of dangling earrings.

My silly hubby had actually taken half day leave to get the pair of earrings and the cake. When I sms-ed him I wanted Chicago cheesecake, he went all the way back to Bukit Timah again just to get the cheesecake, even though he had gotten the 2 'cakelets' earlier.

No Gucci messenger bag for me, something which I really desire. But this sweet gesture of his supercedes any designer bag. Wonder how he could so patiently wait till the stroke of midnight to present the gift to me. Heh heh.....

To my good old friends, thank you for remembering my birthday after all these years and sending your wishes.

Next year, Eunice should be able to give me a birthday hug and mouth "Happy Birthday, Mummy'". So I wish.....