It may be this......

Signs and Symptoms
PMS has been characterized by more than 150 symptoms, ranging from mood swings to weight gain to acne. The symptoms vary from woman to woman and cycle to cycle. For some women, the symptoms may be mild or moderate, and for others, they may be so severe as to be incapacitating. Common symptoms include the following:

Mood-related ("affective") symptoms: depression, sadness, anxiety, anger, irritability, frequent and severe mood swings
Mental process ("cognitive") symptoms: decreased concentration, indecision
Pain: headache (e.g., menstrual migraine), breast tenderness, joint and muscle pain
Nervous system symptoms: insomnia (sleeplessness), hypersomnia (sleeping for abnormally long periods of time), anorexia, food cravings, fatigue, lethargy, agitation, a change in sex drive, clumsiness, dizziness or vertigo, paresthesia (prickling or tingling sensation)
Gastrointestinal symptoms: nausea, diarrhea, palpitations (rapid fluttering of the heart), sweating
Fluid and electrolyte symptoms: bloating, weight gain, oliguria (reduced urination)
Skin symptoms: acne, oily skin, greasy or dry hair

Can it be?

SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION
Not everyone who is depressed or manic experiences every symptom. Some people experience a few symptoms, some many. Severity of symptoms varies with individuals and also varies over time.

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

My tender warrior

I don't want a wedding anymore

I just want to be married to this tender warrior

My new family

My new family visited our love nest yesterday for the first time since renovation started. We had dinner together. Although I have gripes about them that caused me to reconsider marrying him, I have come to appreciate them.

We may own what they do not own
But they have what we do not have

Heading for a crash

The baggage is getting too heavy for me
I will have to choose which battles I want to fight

Very big fight

He stood up for me and for us
He stands by me
He is going to be my husband

What is my ambition?

The Little Oxford Dictionary defines ambition as 'desire for distinction; desire for specific attainment; object of this'.

A language teacher's pet essay question. I wanted to be a teacher to impart knowledge. On some days, I would like to be a doctor to treat the sick. As an innocent and naive primary school kid, those were my essay answers.

At one stage, I wanted to hear from my Master, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant' when I see him at the end of my life journey.

And then the ambition was to get a basic and then second degree. To be able to have a chance to study and live overseas. To snag a job I love. To have a dream wedding and have loved ones celebrate with me.

S, you asked what my ambition was. I was proud to admit that my mind was blank - mid point in life. I have stopped looking far ahead. One reason, I do not know what tomorrow brings. Secondly, I do not want to feel like a failure when my ambition is not fulfilled. So I just gave an answer for the sake of giving. But don't get me wrong, that was an frank attempt, but not the total picture. It might be a combination of my Christian upbringing and personality.

I want to touch people's lives. It was very general. To be specific, people meant the people around me - family, church, work, good friends and sometimes strangers I meet. Touch people's lives - in little ways, just simply by being there for them, to help, to listen, to share and feel with and for them life's joys and sorrows.

I have lived this number of years. I may have the same number of years left. I do not dare or want to make any ambitions. For now, I am just living day by day. I want to sustain the love relationship with my husband-to-be for this lifetime. Wedding is only the beginning. I will give my best shot at work. I want to be there for loved ones and friends when they feel down or need someone to listen to. I want to look beyond my own circumstances.

Life is transcient. Perhaps what I leave behind after I pass away will be our children.

Maybe my ambition for now is to build a home that will prepare my children for another cycle of life journey.

Snowballs

I'm not acting weird because of any imbalance of chemical neurotransmitters or hormones.

Perhaps the past weeks' events have snowballed to such a state that I am using different outlets to vent or people to blame.

In the deep recesses of my heart, I am disappointed that she was willing to let me go at the expense of a couple hundred dollars. Even though, I announce that I am moving in earlier, I am not happy. There is an unwillingness to move in first. But since she is so cool about it, then let's go ahead........

We spent the last few weekends at the new place. I am tired, no longer looking forward. I feel like a slave to the nest.

Wedding preps have taken a step back and there are only 79 days to go. There are so many boxes to check- draw up final guest list for both church and banquet, get their addresses, church ceremony, asking people to help out, planning actual day schedule, buying flower girls' and page boy's outfit, pushing his family for guest list, make transport arrangement for friends and relatives.....the list goes on and on.....He works late and is too tired to discuss at the end of the day.

At work, one workhorse and 2 workhorse-wannabes churn out very timely results to find that it was all in vain due to miscommunication. What made it worse was the snide remarks some people gave and brushing off of the issue without realising the great efforts we took to produce these data. They enjoy long lunch breaks while we can only gobble down our food, not to mention messy hair at the end of the day as a result of strong winds blowing in the room.

Yes, Hot Wheels makes legitimate, reasonable requests but please do not get any hotter than this. This exhaust pipe may not be able to take it.

And then she had to make some absurd, ludicrous decisions which in her very own opinion were perfect arrangements. I had already said N-O on many times and she had to open the can of bloody worms again. She wants things to be done her way (deemed the bestest means) and when things are done her way, it simply means the easiest and most convenient (and very selfish) way out. I say NO WAY!

When I was younger, I tried hard to please you with good results, being obedient, doing my assessment books, scoring in spellings, being back at home on time, wearing the 'right' clothes for occasions etc etc...But all these attemptes were never enough, you always found fault in what I did. You asked me to set a good example to my younger brother......Why did you think I chose to go away for 2 years? Because I wanted something different. I did not want to fit into your mould. I wanted to get away from your dominion.

I remember vividly there were times when you asked me to leave the home after a bitter argument. At that time, I swore that if I was able, I would leave the home without turning back. Ah ma would come with me.

Now it's time soon for me to leave the home and set up my new home, I am reluctant and sad. Even though we will not be staying far from each other, I 'mourn' over the emotional aspect of leaving.

It is our wedding. Please give us some time and space. Please don't try to take things into your own hands and expect us to listen or give in to your demands as if we are still young kids.

For these remaining weeks, leave me sweet memories. I do not want to leave the home without turning back.

Yes, all these issues have been weighing on my mind that sometimes it feels good to be in a daze and think about nothing.

Have not chatted much with him for the past 2 days. His work seems to have taken precedence. Does he still care?

How much more should I give?

TELL ME HOW MUCH MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME??

Overwhelming and mixed emotions

Love Remains
We are born one fine day
Children of God on our way
Mama smiles daddy cries
Miracle before their eyes
They protect us til' we're of age
Through it all love remains

Boy moves on, takes a bride
She stands faithful by his side
Tears and sweat they build a home
Raise a family of their own
They share joy they share pain
Through it all love remains

Kingdoms come and go they don't last
Before you know the future is the past
In spite of what's been lost
Or what's been gained
We are living proof that love remains

I don't know baby what I'd do
On this earth without you
We all live we all die
But the end is not goodbye
The sun comes up, and seasons change
But through it all, love remains

An eternal burning flame, hope lives on, and love remains.